This journal is going to a rather emo one. sorry guys and gals....

So a lot of shit has hit the fan the past month or two. I have gotten kicked out of my house and I consider myself without parents. Work started, and it has not been as fun as the first 2 years. The main thing on my mind has started rolling down hill with one final last attempt coming in the next week. 9 chances out of 10 it will blow up in my face. friends pissed at me because I've been an idiot bout it. GAH! I am just fucking sick of everything... I do not even know why I bother to try anymore... This time last year I was feeling the same way and ended up trying and liking weed/ pot lol. But that's in the past and I am not smoking that anymore. It's only an escape from life anyways and I need to stop running. HA! That's a good one though i keep telling myself things like, "Eventually, Someday, next time I won't get burned and feel like shit." And my favorite quote and saying that I believe to be true but just seem to not be able to live by "Don't beg for thing. Do it yourself or else you won;t get anything" That's from my fav anime Eureka Seven. I am my own worst enemy in so many ways. I am to hard on myself, and I block everybody out. No matter how close the person is. Inside I am a very cold bitter person. Every so often that me comes out. People tend to not like that so much. So i put on a more silly act, Pretending to be something I am not.... Heh... I am just as much of a phony as Holden Caufeld from the catcher and the Rye (very good book. great piece of American literature. first book ever written to the younger generation I do believe)... I hope someday I feel ok like he does at the end of the book....